Girls really don't know what they want!

Oh God, if only I can speak it out........
If only I know what's inside my heart.......
I'm chaos with my own feeling and my own thoughts.......

Have you ever been in a situation full with confusions like this?
The time you spend your whole day guessing?
Guessing what you actually want,
guessing what you actually need,
guessing what you're afraid of,
guessing what you've been actually missing all day is,
guessing what the one you think worth the try and the wait think is,
guessing what the one you guess loves you actually feel,
guessing whether you're doing the right thing,
guessing whether you're believing in the right intuition,
guessing everything!

It's a mystery box you can't reveal!

How long should I stuck with these?
What perfection am I waiting for?
What affection am I doubting about?
How hard did the accident hit my head?
Seems like this brain is not the brain I used to have.

For so many times, a long long time, I'm locked in a cycle.
A very strange personal-defense-feeling cycle.
A cycle when I fly soooo high, and fall again soon.
A cycle when I admire someone sooooo bad, then hate 'em very soon then.
Sounds crazy but that's just what it is.
I guess the cycle has done now and I'm free from it forever.
I guess this time is the right time, the right moment, the right one, the right decision, the right motivation, the right personal promise, the right turn back, the right worth-to-get-hurt, the right worth-to-try, the right worth-to-wait, the right worth-to-struggle, the right worth-the-thinking, the right worth-a-sincerity, the right dream, the right future, the right affection, the right exception, the rightest from the rightest.
I've been believing it for about a month. Or maybe more.
My personal-blown-up-mind-cycle used to run for a week only, but this time it works for about a month and more, that's why I (try to) keep on believing.

But hey, who do you think you are, Martha Widya Putri?
You're just a human!
You're just a normal girl that - like another one does - doesn't know what you actually want.
You're not strong enough!
You're not a personally fully satisfied bulletproof person!
Whether it's a full affection worth your sacrifice, or a happy problem-less independent life that you want, you just don't know which one you exactly want the most is.
Because of that main reason - not knowing what you actually want - it's very easy for you to get scraped by time, by people's comments, by unrevealed uncertainties, by a less-than-expected loving performance, by a less-than-needed care, by everything..
Your heart and feeling scraped by time......
You keep waiting and holding on as long as you can, at least until the feeling itself faded by time.
You don't know when it is.
You wish you can stand still, but let's just see what tomorrow brings............